In which "chaotic evil" means it's fun to screw with stupid people's minds! - A review of "Paranormal Activities"

You know what I miss about seeing a movie in theatres? The previews. I, unlike many people, like seeing snippets of movies I’ll never pay money to see. It also helps me make up my own story for when the movie I actually came to see sucks. So when I got bored with “Paranormal Activity,” (about ten minutes in) I finally came up with the plot that it was the evil crazy ninja person come back from the dead to suck the blood of the living. And everything is blue. Trust me, my made-up summary makes more sense than the real thing.

But you want a real summary? Fine. A couple of obnoxious people live in an overly-nice house and film themselves sleeping because the girlfriend is paranoid. Because, this is a first-person movie, everyone dies. Trust me, I didn’t spoil a thing as anyone with a brain could see this coming. That also explains why the people in the theatre with me found it scary. Go go America.

Oh, yes. It’s a first-person movie. First-person movies, from what I’ve heard, are notoriously bad. This has brought me to the conclusion that the people who made this particular movie made a list of things that were bad about other first-person movies. Only, they used the wrong list. Characters need deepening? We’ll make one a complete ass! Cameraman is never seen? We’ll have two camerapeople, both of whom are ugly, as well as an obscene number of sleeping scenes! The monster is never seen? Well, we’ll just make ours !  Take that, sucky movies! Of course, this also leads to the fact that everyone is utterly dislikable, and rather than not knowing who to root for, I know exactly who to root for – the crazy ninja guy in the ceiling vent.

I think what left me sad about the movie was not that it was particularly bad, but rather that I went in expecting one thing and ended up with another. I think what I like most about first-person movies is that they don’t show the scary thing, but rather the reaction to the scary thing. This focused instead on the scary thing, and I think that’s what bothered me most. Horror is a good genre – when it’s psychological. Beyond that, I don’t want to see slasher, guts, or monster of the week.

In short, you would find more entertainment watching a dog or a frog or even a random inanimate object than you would by watching this movie. So go out, roll in the grass, make a friend. Live a little instead of letting an hour and a half die watching this.

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